bb!Sadist

Chapter 1

Chapter Summary

Chapter Notes

Thinking about young Lan Wangji, dealing with his sexuality, knowing he’s a sadist and terrified of what it means.

I’m imagining… some kind of modern AU, or maybe not quite modern, early 2000s or late 90s, because I can’t quite make this work in the modern fully automated google age.

He and Wei Wuxian have been friends for a long time, an intense friendship in the way that childhood friendships can sometimes be, but intense enough that even some of the adults are keeping an eye on it.

At one point, it was hoped that Lan Wangji would be a steadying influence, but alas, what mainly happened was that when you found Wei Wuxian at the bottom of a catastrophe, Lan Wangji would be standing there to detail how no rules had technically been broken.

And before they were very far into their teens, they had both, without ever discussing it, become aware that Lan Wangji was gay. Neither could say when the other knew, but they both know that they both know.

Wei Wuxian puts a PFLAG patch on his backpack, and glares disapprovingly at gay jokes, and will talk, with the slightest provocation, about the diversity of sexual behaviour in the animal kingdom, but that’s all for other people. Between them, nothing changes.

Except that Wei Wuxian stops talking about attractive girls as if it’s an interest they both share, which… Lan Wangji is a little conflicted about. He didn’t really want to talk about attractive girls, but he doesn’t like that now there’s something they can’t talk about.

But also he really… doesn’t want to talk it. Because while Wei Wuxian thinks he knows what they’re not talking about, Lan Wangji knows that what they’re not talking about is something else.

Lan Wangji knows that what he wants scares him.

And Wei Wuxian is starting to notice. Not anything about the shape of what Lan Wangji is worried about, but he’s noticed that Lan Wangji is… off.

He’s noticed that Lan Wangji isn’t making any kind of moves toward coming out, even to Lan Xichen, who has certainly dropped hints he would be supportive.

(Even Lan Qiren has started to say “Or boys” when asking if they met someone, although this may be because he’s starting to have suspicions about Xichen’s relationship with that Nie boy. In any case, Lan Qiren is awkwardly putting out “cool with it” signals.)

And Wei Wuxian is worried. Lan Wangji is so intensely self-contained, and he doesn’t want to pry, but it’s never before felt like this, like there was something his friend was carrying around inside himself that was hurting him. Didn’t Lan Wangji share his anger at his father with him?

Didn’t Lan Wangji share his even more terrible secret, his anger at his mother, with him? Didn’t that make it better?

So he starts thinking that maybe this thing where they both know Lan Wangji likes boys but don’t talk about it isn’t working.

So Wei Wuxian makes an appointment for them to climb up on the top of the school roof (a place that meets the twin criteria of being a place they are clearly not supposed to be, and a place no one realized they had to explicitly forbid) and brings boba.

The black top of the school roof is too hot, but they find a spot in the shade of the AC unit and press their drinks against their necks.

And he asks. “I know there’s something bothering you, and. I guess maybe it’s none of my business? But maybe you think you can’t talk about it with me, and you can. Like. I know, you know? That you don’t like girls. I thought you didn’t want me to say, but.”

Here is the part you may have trouble believing, and the bit that makes Lan Wangji’s decision possible: he has never, ever, thought about his sadism in relation to Wei Wuxian.

He knows that the idea of hurting someone is exciting to him. It terrifies him. But always just “someone.”

So, not looking Wei Wuxian in the eyes, he confesses his biggest fear: “I think I want to hurt someone.”

And Wei Wuxian, not understanding, says immediately, “Okay, I’ll help you!” Because if Lan Wangji wants to hurt someone, he’s pretty sure they deserve it.

Lan Wangji has a wild moment, after Wei Wuxian says this, where he realizes that after getting up his nerve to confess Wei Wuxian misunderstood him, where he wants to take it back. Maybe he should make up an enemy and he and Wei Wuxian can prank them?

But no, that would be unjust, and unfair.

He has Wei Wuxian’s unquestioning support, and he can’t abuse it. If Wei Wuxian is going to support him, he should know.

“No, I mean. It’s not just. I think that’s what I like. Hurting people.”

He feels like he should be having this conversation in the dark, but they’re having it in the full sun of the school’s tar covered roof, and instead of clutching a pillow, he’s clutching a sweaty plastic grass jelly drink container.

Wei Wuxian is silent and Lan Wangji feels like he’s left his body. His skin feels like it’s too tight, and belongs to someone else.

Finally, Wei Wuxian says, hesitantly, “…like, sexually?”

Lan Wangji nods, and then says “Mn,” in case Wei Wuxian wasn’t looking, so as not to be a coward.

“Oh,” says Wei Wuxian. But then Lan Wangji feels Wei Wuxian pressing his shoulder up against his own. “Huh,” says Wei Wuxian" after another long moment of silence. If it wasn’t for that place their shoulders are touching, Lan Wangji think he might die. He knows Wei Wuxian is doing it on purpose, making sure Lan Wangji knows that Wei Wuxian isn’t… horrified, even while he struggles for something to say.

Or maybe he is horrified, but he doesn’t want to hurt Lan Wangji with his horror and right now, Lan Wangji will take that.

“Are you sure?” Wei Wuxian says, finally, and then, immediately, “No, that’s dumb, of course you’re sure. But, like. You know that’s not, like. You know some people are into that, right?”

And yes, Lan Wangji knows. He’s seen pornographic material that hints at masochism, or that purports to show masochists enjoying themselves, but what he doesn’t know how to say is, he knows he wants to go further. He imagines doing things to someone who isn’t enjoying himself.

Wei Wuxian, meanwhile, has had his teen mind blown. He knows Lan Wangji is more than just the perfect son everyone seems to want him to be, but he also knows that Lan Wangji is good. He’s so fair, and just. Also, Lan Wangji, nearly went out of his mind when Wei Wuxian broke his arm, and he and jiejie had some kind of passive-aggressive pillow-fluffing contest around taking care of Wei Wuxian’s needs, despite his insistence that he was nearly ambidextrous.

So, like. Hurting someone? Wei Wuxian has never even been a little attracted to the idea of rough sex, but like… that’s a thing people like, isn’t it? Some people?

Lan Wangji speaks again. “What if. You don’t know what I imagine.”

Wei Wuxian can feel himself vibrating intensely with the need to fix this. Lan Wangji sounds wrecked. He sounds terrified. Wei Wuxian hates it. “You can tell me,” he says, trying to sound chill, calm, everything he isn’t right now. “If you want to.

Lan Wangji speaks even more quietly, into his knees. “I think about. Making someone cry. And if they tell me to stop. I don’t stop.”

Wei Wuxian has done his sex-research, okay? Which is to say, he has gone on many research spirals, on many fascinating topics, and since he turned thirteen, one topic he has found extremely fascinating is sex. So he knows about safewords, but honestly, the idea of having a special word to mean ‘stop’ instead of ‘stop’ has always seemed like an unnecessary degree of difficulty to add to the already difficult prospect of seeing someone with his clothes off without breaking into nervous giggles. But he suddenly sees the use case.

He hates that Lan Wangji doubts himself. He knows, he knows, that there’s no way Lan Wangji would– Well, maybe he would, if that’s what he likes, but he wouldn’t really, he wouldn’t in any way that the other person, the guy, didn’t—

He bumps Lan Wangji with his shoulder again so he knows he isn’t alone. “That’s a thing people like, though. I mean. Some people. People have safe-words just so they can do it like that; say stop and then… not.”

“But how do I know?” says Lan Wangji, into his knees, sounding a little… a little snotty, to be honest. Like maybe he’s tearing up. Wei Wuxian desperately wants to hug him, but he’s seen Lan Wangji get hugged before and he looked like a cat that’s fallen in the bath, so instead he leans harder. “How do I know I would stop, if that’s– if what I want is that. To not stop.”

Wei Wuxian doesn’t– he doesn’t get wanting to ignore someone’s distress, but he also knows, on a much more fundamental level, that Lan Wangji is absolutely, rock-solid, dependable. Lan Wangji can be trusted much the same way gravity can be trusted, and to have Lan Wangji not get that is hurting him. He thrusts his arm out, forearm in front of Lan Wangji’s nose.

“Here,” he says. “You can hurt me, and I’ll say stop, and then you don’t, but I’ll say, uh, pineapple, and then you know I mean it.” (Pineapple is chosen because Wei Wuxian’s mouth breaks out in sores if he eats raw pineapple, and almost once a week, at least, Lan Wangji will say “pineapple” and prevent Wei Wuxian from eating the fish tacos he likes without first picking off the charred but still raw pineapple it’s dressed with.)

Lan Wangji looks at his arm. Wei Wuxian looks at his arm. Wei Wuxian is kind of realizing this is stupid because he’s not, like. Whatever. This isn’t sexy. But also it’s made Lan Wangji stop sniffling into his knees, so he’s going with it. “Do it. Come on, hurt me.” Wow, that felt dumb to say.

Wei Wuxian waves his arm up and down in the most obnoxious way he can. Honestly, most of his life has been research into the subject of being too obnoxious to permit emotions, wow, finally he’s using his powers for good instead of annoying Jiang Cheng!

Then Lan Wangji looks at him, scowls, grabs his arm, and presses his palm flat on the hot black roof outside of the square patch of shade cover they’re perched in. Wei Wuxian hisses. Lan Wangji lets go immediately.

“Wow,” says Wei Wuxian, unimpressed. “You didn’t even let me say stop.”

Lan Wangji looks… startled. Like he wasn’t really planning any of that. “I,” he says. “I don’t know if that’s safe. What if you burned?”

Wei Wuxian shrugs. “I mean, probably I’d be fine. I’m usually fine.” Lan Wangji looks mulish, and Wei Wuxian knows he isn’t a fan of the “hiarious cooking injuries Wei Wuxian has given himself” genre of comedy, so Wei Wuxian doesn’t press it.

“I mean, I know I’m not, you know. Sexy, or whatever, but,” says Wei Wuxian. He’s not really sure how ‘hurting someone, but sexy’ works, and he also has trouble imagining himself as the object of sexual desire, but he does feel like he’s demonstrated something to Lan Wangji.

Lan Wangji is still looking mulish but also a little pensive. “Can I try again?” he asks.

Wei Wuxian feels something like victory. He grins when he dusts the roof grit off his hand and gives Lan Wangji his hand again, but this time Lan Wangji takes Wei Wuxian’s arm in one hand, gripping it hard around the wrist, hard enough to hurt, a little, and for a second Wei Wuxian thinks that that’s it, that’s the hurt. But then he grabs the first finger of the hand and bends it backward with his other hand, and ow!

“Ow!” says Wei Wuxian, but this time Lan Wangji doesn’t let go. Or rather, he lets go of Wei Wuxian’s wrist, but now that he has his finger bent back, he doesn’t need it.

“Does it hurt?” asks Lan Wangji, meanly.

“Ow,” says Wei Wuxian, “Yes, ow, it hurts.” He remembers why they’re doing this, and feels a little proud of himself. This is good! Lan Wangji is trying his… thing, and Wei Wuxian is helping! “Ah!” he says, since Lan Wangji isn’t letting go.

“I won’t stop” says Lan Wangji, and it’s. Well, Wei Wuxian believes him, but it’s not scary? It hurts, though, and he tries to move his arm to follow the finger Lan Wangji is bending, but Lan Wangji just follows it. “Tell me to stop,” says Lan Wangji. “I won’t stop.”

Right, that’s what they’re doing, Wei Wuxian remembers. “Stop,” he says, and Lan Wangji doesn’t, maybe pushes it a little further, or maybe it just hurts more now that he’s getting used to it. He bites his lip.

“Tell me to stop,” says Lan Wangji again.

“Stop,” says Wei Wuxian, but this time he sounds… wrong, like he doesn’t even really mean it. He doesn’t, quite. He thinks he could bear this, if Lan Wangji needed him to. He thinks he could bear this for a long time.

“Tell me to stop!” says Lan Wangji, this time more urgently, with a thread of something underneath that Wei Wuxian instantly orients to.

“Oh! Stop! I mean, pineapple,” says Wei Wuxian, stupidly, and Lan Wangji lets go of his finger. Wei Wuxian holds his hand up in the air for a moment, then, at a loss, shakes the hand to see if it will make it feel better. It doesn’t, really.

“Does it still hurt,” asks Lan Wangji, looking between Wei Wuxian’s face, and his hand and Wei Wuxian isn’t sure what the right answer is so he goes with the truth.

“Yeah, kind of. But. Do you feel better?” He means, ‘do you see? Do you understand that you can trust yourself?’

Lan Wangji takes Wei Wuxian’s hand again, but this time so gently, so gently it almost tickles. He strokes one finger down the back like he’s petting Bichen, his rabbit. “Thank you,” he says, as if the hand were some separate creature from Wei Wuxian.

“Wow,” says Wei Wuxian. “What about me?”

Lan Wangji looks him in the eyes, steadily this time. “Thank you,” he says.

They finish their drinks, up on the roof.

Afterward, Wei Wuxian feels… triumphant. He did that. He helped Lan Wangji. He can’t believe Lan Wangji could doubt himself, but even amazing people are people, and honestly, Wei Wuxian feels lucky that someone like him could help someone like Lan Wangji.

Obviously, it will be different for Lan Wangji, in, like, a more sexy context, with someone who’s, like, gay, and stuff, but Wei Wuxian doesn’t doubt for a minute that Lan Wangji will figure it out, and be great at it, now that he’s gotten past his weird self-doubt. Wei Wuxian is going to have spend a little extra effort making sure he doesn’t like. Visualize anything, once Lan Wangji finally finds a boy he wants to date, because now Wei Wuxian is going to know things, but. Well, it’s a small thing, next to being able to help.

(he also has a sprained finger for three days, but he manages not to let Lan Wangji know about this.)

Lan Wangji, meanwhile, is never going to be able to imagine an abstract “someone” again.

Chapter 2

Chapter Summary

@jujuthenamu on twitter asked what sequel I would write, and I said IDK how I’d write a fic, because a fic needs a certain structure, but I know what *happens* to them.

Chapter Notes

Lan Wangji thinks of his sexuality as this enormous responsibility, because of the way Wei Wuxian trusted him, even though he doesn’t even–

The first time he plays with someone he’s treating it like an audition. He specifies that he wants to keep it non-sexual, he asks for spotters, and spends two separate sessions negotiating the scene with an older, experienced woman. (He wanted a woman. It seemed safer.)

He’s relatively sure she would pinch his cheeks if she didn’t know he’d hate it. He doesn’t mind that.

It goes fine, and he derives real gratification from doing what he set out to do, even though it’s not really sexy.

During this period, Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are drifting apart, a little. It’s just that Wei Wuxian is in a different school in a different city. They send each other emails, but Wei Wuxian’s are full of what he’s doing and the friends he’s making, and Lan Wangji doesn’t know what to put in his emails, other than how is classes are going, and when his roommate is particularly annoying.

[Then WWX has a traumatic rupture with his family and LWJ loses contact for a while, IDK, fill in your favourite modern AU time-skip device here.]

By the time they meet again, Lan Wangji has gained a reputation in the kink community as both a very mean dom, and an annoyingly thorough one. He’ll make you fill out a spread-sheet and give him an emergency contact number, the first time you play with him there will be a extensive debrief, and he always shows up with two bags: one is his kink gear, and the other is a first-aid kit. Both are intimidatingly large.

On nights when Lan Wangji is the dungeon monitor at the club where he is a member, no one ever forgets to wipe down the equipment after use.

He plays with both men and women, although he keeps it non-sexual with women, and most subs think he’s great, although some are like “Man, it was exactly what I asked for, but I like to feel like my top is into me, you know?”

(He is having fun, for the record. His enjoyment is sometimes more intellectual, the pleasure of a job well done, of giving someone what they want, but it sometimes intensely sexual, and he’s okay with that, now.)

Then one night he’s checking through all the rooms in the club and there’s Wei Wuxian, squirming and giggling on the spanking bench and if he weren’t the DM that night, he would have turned around and left.

As it is, he merely dissociates so strongly he can’t feel his face.