Flight of Geese

Afterward, Yanli wants all her boys close. She can’t put down little Jin Ling, even though Mother-In-Law keeps telling her that the wet nurse is meant to serve. She can’t bear it when Jiang Cheng is out of her line of sight, even though the parade of people who want his attention is endless. She understands now the line of poetry about the lone goose who cries and cries, because she cannot find her flock. She doesn’t know how to be alone.

And Zixuan…

Zixuan seems to understand. This is one of the things that makes him so dear to her. She feels apart from herself, and yet, inescapably trapped within this endless horrible moment where her baby brother–

But the part of her that is apart from herself notices that Jin Zixuan, although he seems shaken, is trying to be a comfort. Is a comfort, to her. He notices she needs him nearby, and when he must leave, he makes eye-contact with Jiang Cheng and makes him come stand next to her while he is gone. He has the maids bring her food and tells her “You must see if you can make Jiang Wanyin eat,” which she knows is him trying to trick her into eating as well. It should be hard, but hideously enough, her hunger isn’t affected. With little A-Ling at her breast, she’s always hungry. Making Jiang Cheng eat is harder.

“Don’t make your sister feel she must go into the kitchen herself,” she hears Zixuan telling Jiang Cheng. “You know she’ll think she must, if she sees that our food isn’t to your taste.” It’s rather clever, and it warms the part of her that exists apart from her grief.

Jiang Cheng, perhaps in deference to her feelings, has seemingly forgotten his antagonism toward Jin Zixuan. Perhaps it doesn’t matter, anymore. Very few things feel like they matter, to Jiang Yanli, right now. Just her boys, the three of them that are left.

For several days afterward they all end up in bed together. Herself, little A-ling, Zixuan, and Jiang Cheng. She knows it was her that made Jiang Cheng come, but she doesn’t remember what she said to him or Zixuan. She thinks Jiang Cheng takes some comfort from it too. Once, she wakes up and Jin Ling isn’t at her breast, and she panics, comes awake with a shock, but Zixuan catches her.

“It’s okay, A-li, Jiang Cheng took him to the wet nurse, he was fussing. And you’ve slept so poorly…”

She doesn’t go back to sleep, sleep isn’t waiting for her like it used to, but she settles. If Jin Ling is with Jiang Cheng, he’s safe.

It’s perhaps a week before Jin Zixuan manages to coax Yanli into leaving Jin Ling with his nurse at night, and she has to admit, she does sleep better if she’s not terrified that she’ll overlie him. She’s still wakes up anxious and goes to find him first thing in the morning, but she isn’t as tired.

She expects he’ll bring up Jiang Cheng’s presence in their bed next, and she thinks she can be ready for it, but he doesn’t. Or rather, he says:

“Jiang Wanyin… did he ever… That is, I know he and Wei Wuxian were very close, but did they ever give you cause to think–”

He’s started to blush, but Wei Ying’s name is still like an arrow to her heart, and she has to breathe through it. “A-Xuan, I don’t understand what you’re asking.”

“Never mind, it’s not important.”

Yanli, suddenly, decides it is important. No one has wanted to discuss Wei Ying with her, even Jiang Cheng, and she wants to hear him spoken of. “He and Wei Ying loved each other very much,” she tells him. “I don’t think they could have been closer if they were brothers by blood.”

Zixuan looks even more embarrassed. “Yes, it’s only– Last night, he was, uh. He embraced me, and– I think he was dreaming of Wei Ying and he was a bit– Do you think they were ever, you know. In that way?”

No one has ever really spoken of it, but the way it was carefully not spoken of is something Yanli has always been aware of. “Oh. That. Well, I don’t think so, but. I think the possibility was always there, but I don’t know if either of them knew it was, if you see what I mean?”

Her heart feels something tender when Zixuan looks, rather than scandalized, sad. “Oh. Well, I’m. I guess I’m sorrier for him, then. That he didn’t. Well, it wouldn’t be– I don’t know if that’s sadder or not.”

She embraces him. “I don’t know either. I miss him so much, and I don’t know how Jiang Cheng can bear– I’m sorry if he’s bothering you at night, though. I can hint to him that we have guest rooms.”

Zixuan laughs. “No, I don’t mind if your bother rubs on me in– uh. Well, obviously not– Uh. Not in your presence, of course!”

“Oh, but if I weren’t present it would be fine?” she teases.

“Well, not– I mean,” Zixuan struggles. “I don’t. If he takes some comfort,” he says, finally. “I can’t do very much, but what I can, I’m glad.”

She kisses his cheek. “Truly my husband is generous and open-hearted.”

---

Zixuan writes to you

When we parted I felt grief to leave you and our son, but doing your bidding, I have travelled to Lotus Pier in order to make a visit to my esteemed brother-in-law, your brother. I find Lotus Pier full of industry in rebuilding its warehouses and piers, and the Jiang Clan also full of vigour although reduced in size. As to my brother-in-law, what can I say? His grief is still very great, but he diligently follows his filial duty and works ceaseless to restore what once was. I remember also the things you told me before we parted, and I think I have been able to give him some comfort, which relieves my heart.

Nevertheless, I long to see you again, and also our baby. Until I return my heart will be divided. When the wild geese return look for me also.

---

The first night Jin Zixuan is in Lotus Pier, Jiang Wanyin cries in his arms, something he never once did while he was staying in Jinlintai to deal with the aftermath of Wei Wuxian’s death. Zixuan hadn’t been sure if Jiang Wanyin would allow it when he followed the sect leader to his rooms when he retired, but Jiang Wanyin had wordlessly made room. Then, after the lantern had been snuffed, Jiang Wanyin had almost seized him, holding him as if he would burrow into him, crying, great wracking sobs that seemed as if they tore something on the way out. Jiang Wanyin fell asleep with his face in Zixuan’s chest, even though Zixuan’s sleeping robes must have been unpleasantly damp. Zixuan stayed awake a while after that. A-Li had, of course, been right. If she had been able to travel–

Well, if she had been able to travel, he’s not sure Jiang Wanyin would have been able to cry.

The next night, Jiang Wanyin doesn’t say anything until they are in the sect leader’s quarters, but then he hesitates. “This isn’t– You’re not neglecting my sister, are you?”

Zixuan is confused. “I mean. I don’t like to leave her, but she wanted me to come so she could reassure herself that–”

Jiang Wanyin scowls. “No! I mean. This,” he gestures at his bed. “You’re not.”

As it happens, Jin Zixuan is on strict orders from the midwife not to “importune” his wife until Jin Ling has had his one hundred days ceremony, although Yanli has interpreted this according to her own preferences. He does not consider himself to be neglecting her, though.

“This is at Yanli’s direction,” he tries to explain again.

Jiang Wanyin scowls. “She told you to … do this? To sleep with me?”

Jin Zixuan realizes that Yanli knew better than him in this, too. “Well. She told me I should give you whatever comfort you would take, and whatever I was willing to give. I’m willing,” he says, then doesn’t know how to finish that. He’s willing to sleep with Jiang Wanyin, if that gives him comfort. He’s willing to do more, too. He’s so rarely able to make things better for people, but this he can do.

“Yeah?” says Jiang Wanyin, and lunges forward. Jin Zixuan half dodges, with the result that Jiang Wanyin’s kiss ends up near his ear, but then Wanyin grabs his robes, pulls him in and kisses again, full of teeth, full of–

“This too?” Jiang Wanyin hisses, then kisses him again, messy, clumsy, and Jin Zixuan feels himself soften into it. Jiang Wanyin needs him. Jiang Wanyin wants the comfort Jin Zixuan can give.

---

“Make sure you kiss my nephew for me,” says Jiang Wanyin when Jin Zixuan is gathering his disciples together so they can mount their swords and return.

“Yes, I will kiss my son, since you direct me to,” says Zixuan, trying to keep the amusement from his voice, but Jiang Wanyin scowls even more fiercely, so he probably failed.

“And tell Yanli to eat more,” he insists.

Zixuan feels something tugging at his mouth. “You too. Your sister will ask me if you were eating, you know. Shall I tell her you only drank tea and –”

Jiang Cheng hisses out a breath and stomps away, his robes swirling.

As they fly back, his disciples point out a trio of wild geese flying parallel to them.

“Doubtless one is the child of the other two,” he hears them discussing.

“But which? They all seem the same size.”

It doesn’t matter, thinks Jin Zixuan. They’re all together, keeping each other company on their way.